Helpless still
HELPLESS STILL
Six months, ten days have passed
Yet nothing has changed
Time has not started since that April day…
Sadness remains
Tears constant
Helpless still…
Days remind me of a rollercoaster ride
Not one you enjoy…
But the dreaded kind…
Where every uncertain second
So unkind
One day bearable…
The next, a bottomless pit…
Falling,
Anger overwhelming
Emptiness always …
Helpless still
Alone…is what you prefer
Push and shove everyone that’s dear
Out of your life…you want no one near
If you don’t love anyone…you can’t lose anyone
Patience my answer…
But you won’t hear
Your fear suffocating
Can’t breathe…
Can’t walk…
Can’t live…
Helpless still
Days are awesome…remembering your ANGELS smile…
Remembering his antics…
That nearly drove you insane…
Days are awesome
As your face lights up with the lost smile that was hidden since that day…
As if not allowed,
Suddenly your laughter transforms into a sob…
Heartbreaking…
Soul wrenching…
Helpless still…
Sleep does not come easy…
Helpless still
Eat…what’s eat?
Helpless still
They say the pain lessens
Who are they?
Helpless still
Questions unanswered
All the why’s you ask
Helpless still
As you struggle
Day by day
Hour by hour
I am still here …right beside you…
Reminding you…I care…I love you.
Shaakiera Schroeder
Helpless
Helpless
Written by Shaakiera Schroeder -10/05/09
Time stood still for you… and I was sleeping
Forgiving me is not in my scheme of things.
Your world crumbled … I was not there.
Through silly vibrations I awoke to a world so different….
So sad….so silent and empty.
The news come and I SCREAM your name
wishing… the loudness would shatter this nightmare
But I am awake and it’s not a dream,
“you lost your boy”… “you lost your boy” plays repeatedly in my head,
Yet grasping it all is impossible it seems.
The sound of sorrow all around is deafening
Yet the silence …even more so maddening.
Together we lay…
Helplessness creeps over me…
Softly you whisper “I want my son”
I wrap my arms around you…
You scream “TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY”
My arms fold tighter.
My friend hurts and there’s nothing I can do.
I keep busy what else can I do?
My heart bleeds …because you in anguish…
My friend hurts and there’s nothing I can do.
I pray every second of everyday…
“God help them through just today”
Hoping… tomorrow will be a better one.
Tomorrow is here and it’s the exact same day…
Time stopped that April day….
My friend hurts and there’s nothing I can do …
Except remind you that I am here…I care…I love you.
With everything that is me.
Love Shaakiera
Memories real or fantasized
Memories real or fantasized
For ADU
Thoughts of you consume me,
Images of your face fill my mind
Changing, flashing…almost like a slideshow
Memories not real, but fantasized.
See we never had a relationship, when you were alive.
So I listen...carefully…shamelessly…
Undivided attention, a hunger I can’t conceal!
Hang on to every funny, crazy, even
sad tale, remembered by family and friends alike.
From this I construct…brick by brick
Memories of my own.
This may seem strange and probably even
Bizarre,
But when you have no memories
of your own,
you do what you have to,
to get through.
Familiar anger well up inside_
I always thought I’d have enough
Time_
All those days wasted,
Watching you, in and out
Passing me by…
Like clouds on a windy day,
Swept away.
Wishing now I had stopped you
Hearing the familiar “salaamalaykum”
As you turn and walk away
“Wait” I should have said,
“how was your day?”
But I left you to walk away,
Mimicking your greeting…
I put it off and excuse it “he’s a teenager”
I say “they have their own way”
Days like these when anger overwhelms,
I day dream,
That you had sat down beside me
And shared your life…your laughter…
Your smile!
I envision you speaking words that people say you used and laugh,
As I hear your voice clearly
Beautiful child…
Strong voice like a favorite song…plays over and over in my head…it’s a sound
I will never forget.
The last time I saw you
A brief moment we shared…
Sadness tries to steal through my thoughts
I rush to block it out and replace it with
Silly things you did…
Instead of unhappiness …
Your eyes sparkle with innocent mischief_
Memories not real_memories fantasized.
Unlike the humbling of loss and grief
Like a monster…guilt rides me
Makes me so unkind.
As if you reach down and
Envelope me in your arms
Suddenly I am reminded of what you left behind…
A constant reminder_
How precious is time????
Belonging to no one
Not yours or mine
To precious to be wasted
For a second or nine…
Now I spent most of it
Writing or talking to you
Building a spiritual relationship
I know is alive.
Death will not defeat us…
You have my time!
Alive in my spirit…heart and mind!
Alive in me, forever in time…
It no longer matter if memories are
Theirs or mine…
I no longer care if they real or fantasized!
Shaakiera Schroeder 29/12/09(2 days to 9mnths)
58 days to 3years this year
STAND STRONG
Stand Strong
© Sammy Kisinga Mwangangi
When things seem difficult miserable
Life is turning away from you
Intimidated and worn out you remain
In darkness at a corner you examine
Watching the sky as it disappears
Reminding the lost beloved ones
How beautiful and caring they were
Vanishing without saying goodbye
Shortening your long life span
And leaving you destitute and lonely
Deeply you wonder
How life can really be unfair
To honest and good people like you
But all you let go off
And focus to mend your life
And strengthen your heart
With good and caring friends on your side
Opening the picture of brightness
Knowing GOD holds your hand
Leading you to your success
Stars embracing the whole sky
And you know your journey has started
In pursuit of your purpose
Slowly matching from dusk to dawn
With smiles and determination
In whispers you read your heart
ALWAYS STAND STRONG
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